I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
