Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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