I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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