just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
