You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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