Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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