i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
