maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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