I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.