so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter