Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
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i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
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Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
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Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.