i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
