I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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