i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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