I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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