I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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