the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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