I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
