Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
