im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The Olympian is in my bed
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
