I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
