i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
