I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
