I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
