I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
