Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
