She is in my trunk
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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