He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
