I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
