last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
