I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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