After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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