new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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