So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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