i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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