We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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