Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
