It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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