I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
