I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!