Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
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I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
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I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm getting married
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???