Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.