It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
