when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
