i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
