im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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