remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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