God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
Use "feeling words"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going