ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
