counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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