Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
