I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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