who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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