I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
All I want is dick and wine.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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