I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
